Happy July to all of you!

Things have been busy since my last entry.

I’ve been in another state, in the house that my parents will retire to years from now.  I will be moving with them then.  So a lot of painting and shipment arrivals were going on, because as of now we’re splitting time between houses.  It’s so calming there.  I wish I didn’t have to come back to VA.

And to kick things off on the right foot, today I saw the dentist because of extreme pain that started a few days ago.  Well, the tooth is dead, so…hello second root canal.

Now, I had a root canal back in 2013.  Being a natural redhead, it takes more anesthetic to numb me than non-redheads.  But six Novocain injections in, and I still wasn’t numb.  I also insisted I remain awake because ever since I had Electroconvulsive Therapy when I was 18, I’ve developed a terrible fear of anything anesthetic.  Because during ECT (and again when I had it at age 22) only once did I ever fall asleep instantly like everyone else seemed to.  It always took me a while to go under (felt like an eternity to me) and I was dizzy and felt like I would fall off the face of the Earth, begging the doctors not to let me fall or die.

So in 2013, I was awake…painfully awake…and painfully not numb.  They tried!  It just…didn’t take.  The root canal was hands down the most painful experience of my life.  It felt like a fishhook was pulling my intestines and my soul out from my tooth.  I didn’t even know I was howling like a wounded animal.  What a blur it turned out to be.  My brain has tried to repress it, believe me.  My mother was in the room with me and had to hold me down/keep my legs still.  When it was finished, I could barely move, the fight or flight and the pain itself had been so enormous.

So imagine how it will be.  I now have to be extremely careful about any antibiotics in case they are ototoxic – I can’t afford to damage my Vestibular system futher.  And no one has told me to take any, anyway.  No one has told me for sure if I have an infection or abcess.  But the tooth is dead.

I will once again be cowed by my fear of anesthesia, so I will be awake and terrified, even with my PRN.  It will be difficult to lie back in a dentist chair because of the vertigo.

This is going to be a mess.  And it’s going to be expensive.  On the way home from the dentist today, I did cry.  I’ve tried to be so careful with my teeth, even more so after the 2013 root canal.

Oh well, it will be what it will be.

The challenge in the meantime becomes a heatlh-anxiety ridden girl wondering if she’s got an infection or is going to die, trying to maintain sanity until this terrifying appointment.

Fear is a powerful thing.

Well, no use crying about it anymore.  I have to deal with it.  There’s stuff to be done in the meantime.

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About healandsurvive

27 years old with an Associates Degree in social sciences. Diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, OCD, anxiety. I also have been diagnosed with Vestibular Migraines and my everyday balance has taken a big hit, and I am basically off-balance and some level of dizzy 98% of the time. I enjoy painting, writing, acting, singing, reading, collaging, journaling; basically anything creative.
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