A common theme is emerging.
Therapist: Because you’re depressed.
Me: I’m not depressed. This doesn’t feel like how depression used to feel all the other times. I just feel nothing. And remember we discussed how an alter took all extreme emotion in 2016 so I’d be able to function and do theatre things?
Therapist: You’re in emotional shutdown.
Me: But I’m not depressed.
Okay, so basically that’s how it goes.
I don’t know if I’m actually depressed or not. It’s not like I hate myself or anything. I don’t even notice feeling sad. I am just…here. I mostly feel constant anxiety, if anything.
But here are some things that might point to depression:
- I can’t concentrate for long
- Thinking about even sitting through 30 minutes of a TV show I like exhausts me and I can’t concentrate on the storyline
- I’m constantly antsy
- I’m not sleeping well
- I’m irritable
- My appetite is weird
- I want to be around people but I also want to isolate and the conflicting feelings leave me angry at myself
- More and more I find myself randomly on the verge of tears (though this could be bleedthrough emotion from an alter, who knows?)
- I am becoming indecisive
- Even choosing which music to listen to feels like an impossible task
- I am constantly exhausted to the point where I’ll fall asleep sitting up
- I basically don’t really feel anything
- My anxiety is worsening
- My health anxiety is also worsening
- I feel physically heavy, like moving dead weight
- Dissociative episodes of varying intensity and duration are happening more
- My mind wanders more
- I’m not enjoying anything at all (yeah, I know I’m way more limited as to what I can physically do now, but still)
But I’m still “functioning”. Well. as much as having mental and physical conditions allows me to function. Stuff like getting a shower or eating, etc. Getting dressed. I’m still doing that. Which is different from how depressive episodes used to be for me. Back then I’d have to take a break in between tying my shoes and cry because it took too much energy. And I’d be in bed for days straight (needing help to even stand just to use the restroom because I was so tired I would actually collapse) and be self-harming and crying and it would take too much energy to open my eyes.
But that’s not happening this time?
But maybe this is warning sign and it’s going to get to that point. I just don’t know what to think anymore.
I haven’t felt depressed since 2014.
Maybe the physical condition set it in motion this time, I really don’t know.
I see the psychiatrist before the therapist this Thursday, so maybe I’ll run it by him. None of my medications have changed. But I’m no longer on an antidepressant. Not since they found out they misdiagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder for years.
I just don’t know.