It’s very difficult to focus on mental health when physical illness is such a distraction.

When your world constantly tilts, swirls, or feels like you’re on a boat, it’s hard to devote as much time to introspection.

So for 45-50 minutes a week, mental health takes the front seat.  That doesn’t seem like a lot, really.  Plus, during therapy sessions we obviously have other things to discuss, and I try to separate my physical illness and not talk about it because it’s the focus of my life every living moment of every other time except those 45-50 minutes once a week.

But then once the session is over, it’s back to the land of physical concerns and worries.  The session is quickly forgotten; mentally tossed aside.

And, of course, I know physical and mental health shouldn’t be treated separately all the time.  I know it’s all happening in one body and therefore everything is intertwined.  And I know the physical condition caused a whole new kind of anxiety and depression.

I’m crying a lot recently over this Vestibular condition.  And it’s not PMS time.  So I know I’m crying for a reason.  And it keeps happening out of the blue and is very hard to stop.  I’m starting to become increasingly irritable, restless, agitated.  I’m easily overwhelmed and feel like my brain is turning to mush.  I’m becoming lethargic and I get tired just thinking of things.

My therapist thought my “feeling nothing” might have been depression, but I told her it didn’t feel like every other instance of depression in my life.  My “feeling nothing” is actually related to an alter taking emotions, especially the extremes, and bottling them up so I would be seen as more stable to please the people to whom I needed to redeem myself.

However, these days I feel more and more like the usual depression is returning.  And I’d bet you anything it’s been triggered by this physical condition.  I know it’s affecting one alter immensely, and that alter is once who is already prone to depression, mood instability, impulsive and self-destructive behaviors, etc.  So I need to be cautious.  Sometimes I feel bleed-through emotions from her and try to untangle what’s going on.

Luckily my therapist knows how it’s affecting the alter and she’s aware of the alter’s tendencies and history.

Everything is so tangled up into itself.

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About healandsurvive

27 years old with an Associates Degree in social sciences. Diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, OCD, anxiety. I also have been diagnosed with Vestibular Migraines and my everyday balance has taken a big hit, and I am basically off-balance and some level of dizzy 98% of the time. I enjoy painting, writing, acting, singing, reading, collaging, journaling; basically anything creative.
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