With this current therapist, I can see areas of improvement. For example, I now do not get nearly as unnerved or angry upon hearing names of alters. There is also a greater amount of communication from several alters to the therapist. Trust appears to be building. I like and respect the way she approaches the alters.
However, since my life has come to a standstill with this chronic vestibular condition, it becomes difficult to tell when I’m losing time vs. just wondering where the day went. When you can’t really do much of anything except sit or try to do your physical therapy exercises, the days start to blend and blur anyway, except for days you have appointments, and mine are usually packed into the same day each week when someone can drive me. So add the blending and blurring together of time in general to the blending and blurring of time for a person with DID and you don’t have such a great mix. Therefore, when my therapist asks if I’ve lost any time, it makes it difficult to provide a confident or accurate answer. I get really tired of saying, “I don’t know.”.
And while I may feel a bit stir-crazy at times, apparently there are some alters who just don’t know what to do because basically their “jobs” have become nearly obsolete. But when they do manage to exert their influence, it’s this weird limbo. Or it comes way more forcefully and shocks me.
It’s just not an easy time. I almost feel as if I can sense them right under the surface, all restless and listless and waiting for nothing. It’s almost a painless itch.