I love routine. I love planning. I love scheduling. Order, control, blah blah blah.
Ever since last April, the routines I’d previously clung to with such fervor have become null. When you don’t know what you will physically be capable of from day to day (heck, even hour to hour!), it becomes impossible to keep a routine of any kind.
Quite frankly, it absolutely makes my brain itch. And my brain is trying to make sense of all this chaos. Half the time, I think it employs its tried and true method of protection: dissociation. Because living with constant uncertainty and fear of your body betraying you with no warning sign (the nerve!) is obviously extremely anxiety provoking.
Doctors say that people with vertigo, etc. generally also suffer with anxiety, because who wouldn’t in that situation?
Now, take someone who is already always anxious, and add that specific anxiety…what a mess. My Klonopin PRN only helps so much, and there’s only a certain amount I’m allowed per day. I do not go over that amount. I never have and never will. I take up to what the doctor tells me I can. As needed, obviously.
Without this medication, I don’t think I would have made it this far.
I live a different kind of boring life now. And I can’t even plan it.
I miss my old routine, even if it was boring to me back then.