How is it that when nothing is really happening, it seems as if so much is?

Well, you know what, there’s actually been some stuff going on that I can’t/shouldn’t discuss on here because it involves other people, etc.  Nothing necessarily bad, just…private.

I am still struggling daily with my vestibular issues.  I consider it an accomplishment to get a proper, full shower or to make dinner for the family.  Bonus points if I can get through the day without falling or screaming for help.

I’m very frustrated, sad, angry, and overwhelmed.  And I recently just passed the anniversary of the one year that has passed since this big loss of balance happened.

I am still smoke-free, so that’s an accomplishment.

I managed to make it through doing a short show (one hour long) where I had really bad vertigo on the final two-show day.

I also managed to drive less than 5 minutes away.  Once.  And sit without too much incident for about an hour with a friend who is moving soon.

I’m not getting any exercise because even standing still and straight, let alone walking a straight line for five seconds, is almost impossible.  Consequently, my weight is increasing and my body is getting used to a sedentary lifestyle times twenty.

Right now I am typing this from my kitchen island because it has a swivel chair.  You might wonder why on Earth I would choose to sit in a swivel chair when I constantly get dizzy and my surroundings always look like they’re moving; it’s because it gives me the placebo illusion of being able to spin the opposite way and trick myself into believing it is somehow counteracting the symptom.

Therapy seems to be doing okay.  As far as I know, there is alter participation going on, which is a step forward.  Unfortunately, with the physical issues going on, I think it’s making some episodes of dissociation more frequent, and therefore I’m confused sometimes.  Everything becomes a bit of a blur, and not just my vision!

An alter who doesn’t usually take the reins, so to speak, has been the one participating the most.

In therapy we’re also working on me not being so afraid of the physical sensations of co-consciousness or even a slow switch.  It’s….a process.

 

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About healandsurvive

27 years old with an Associates Degree in social sciences. Diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, OCD, anxiety. I also have been diagnosed with Vestibular Migraines and my everyday balance has taken a big hit, and I am basically off-balance and some level of dizzy 98% of the time. I enjoy painting, writing, acting, singing, reading, collaging, journaling; basically anything creative.
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