The show in which I am making my directorial debut opens in one week.
I have applied four times (three times I was unsuccessful) to direct a show since I joined this community theatre group. I had to work very hard to prove myself capable and up to the challenge, especially given some of my prior behavior. So this is a big deal. It’s a big accomplishment. Especially given the pre-existing psychological challenges and the newer physical issues that began in April and continue to complicate something as simple as sitting or lying down, let alone directing every night.
At auditions, I expected to feel nervous, excited, stressed…take your pick.
What have I felt since that first night of auditions?
If I feel anger, it is usually snatched away from me quickly now, whereas before I would stew in it.
It would appear that an alter has a tight hold on stress and emotion right now. Maybe that’s to prevent me from having a breakdown. Maybe they anticipated more stress than it has actually had. Maybe they are trying to protect me because I’m sure I am under a microscope to some degree by important members of this group and I must appear level and calm (heck, some of them still even ask me if I’m okay just when I’m concentrating and taking notes on the show…or if I’m just not beaming from ear to ear constantly). However, this “emotion snatching” means I’m not even getting the positive emotions out of this experience, and it will be over in a matter of weeks.
Logically I know I should be happy. Logically I know it’s a big deal and a tremendous accomplishment. Believe me, I wish I could feel something.
I feel nothing except a sense of duty, crossing things off a list, and a deadline.
And logically the feeling nothing makes me feel sad. But I am not even feeling the sadness. I feel like a robot going through the motions, pretending to be excited, happy…anything. Because I don’t want to appear ungrateful. Not because I’m trying to deceive anyone.
And it is frustrating me because you never know when you will have this opportunity again.