Well, I still feel nothing in general.

And in therapy I think we discovered that the numbness is causing me frustration and sadness because I just don’t feel anything.  Nothing good, nothing bad…and I have some awesome stuff going on for me – for god’s sake, I’m finally directing a musical.  I’d like to feel happy about that at some point.  After 3 rejections to direct a theatrical production, I would like to feel something about this process, you know?

I just feel mentally and emotionally plugged up.  Once I made that discovery in my last session, I did cry briefly.  I guess that’s improvement.  I would actually prefer what I used to be like to what I am now, feeling like some lifeless robot instead of the old days where I was all over the place.  And that’s sad, but that’s how much I hate this emptiness.

Now that therapy has begun with this new therapist, dissociation is increasing.  I assume that’s normal in cases like this.  I’ve been encouraged to open up the communication journal again, so that’s there.

The other day I didn’t recognize my face or room and I’ve been feeling floaty today and time is passing oddly and I have trouble remembering what I was just doing or about to do and why, or I find myself doing a completely different thing than I started, with this white noise sensation in my head.

I wish I could get past the “weirdness” I feel surrounding alter’s names… therapists can tell me it’s not weird all they want, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about it.  Sometimes I wonder if I still struggling with denial even after all these years.  Since what, late 2007/early 2008?

Advertisements

About healandsurvive

27 years old with an Associates Degree in social sciences. Diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, OCD, anxiety. I also have been diagnosed with Vestibular Migraines and my everyday balance has taken a big hit, and I am basically off-balance and some level of dizzy 98% of the time. I enjoy painting, writing, acting, singing, reading, collaging, journaling; basically anything creative.
This entry was posted in Mental Illness and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to

  1. Ngerbie says:

    I am newly diagnosed with DID and have a great therapist who allows me to learn how to talk with my system and helps us to work together. However, I leave each therapy session depressed and feeling like I missed half of what she said to us. Anyone else experience this?

    • I definitely feel like this a lot even after all these years.Usually when I miss what was said in a session, it means I was dissociated and an alter was present or I was co-fronting but everything was kind of muffled and blurry. Sometimes they may fill me in later using the journal we have as a means of communication since our internal communication is not that great. It’s not a pleasant experience to feel like that after sessions, but I don’t think it’s uncommon at least if that helps.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s