Well, I still feel nothing in general.
And in therapy I think we discovered that the numbness is causing me frustration and sadness because I just don’t feel anything. Nothing good, nothing bad…and I have some awesome stuff going on for me – for god’s sake, I’m finally directing a musical. I’d like to feel happy about that at some point. After 3 rejections to direct a theatrical production, I would like to feel something about this process, you know?
I just feel mentally and emotionally plugged up. Once I made that discovery in my last session, I did cry briefly. I guess that’s improvement. I would actually prefer what I used to be like to what I am now, feeling like some lifeless robot instead of the old days where I was all over the place. And that’s sad, but that’s how much I hate this emptiness.
Now that therapy has begun with this new therapist, dissociation is increasing. I assume that’s normal in cases like this. I’ve been encouraged to open up the communication journal again, so that’s there.
The other day I didn’t recognize my face or room and I’ve been feeling floaty today and time is passing oddly and I have trouble remembering what I was just doing or about to do and why, or I find myself doing a completely different thing than I started, with this white noise sensation in my head.
I wish I could get past the “weirdness” I feel surrounding alter’s names… therapists can tell me it’s not weird all they want, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about it. Sometimes I wonder if I still struggling with denial even after all these years. Since what, late 2007/early 2008?