A lot of physical stuff has been going on, along with some dissociative stuff:

I went to the podiatrist a couple weeks back and discovered a nerve issue was causing all the problems in my foot that have been escalating since last year – apparently over time I unconsciously began walking differently to avoid the nerve issue and therefore shifted weight onto another part of my foot.  I was given a boot (already had crutches in the garage from when Mom had foot surgery last year) and a short corticosteriod oral pill regimen to help alleviate the swelling the nerve thing caused.

Well, on the second day of the meds, all of a sudden I got so incredibly dizzy.  I rolled off my bed (since I was supposed to stay off my foot for 4 weeks, that’s where I was on a weekend afternoon) and tried to make it to my door to unlock and open it.  I was screaming and calling for help.  I tried to dial a phone number but the world was spinning too much, so I threw myself onto the floor to stop banging into the walls and I kept screaming.  Shrieking, really.  I don’t think I’ve ever emitted such high-pitched noises in my life.

My brother is 2 floors below me and I was loud enough that he heard and came running.  To try to keep this short, dizziness happened a lot and severely for a week.  Sometimes the world spun, sometimes it felt like I was being jerked to one side, sometimes it felt like I was about to be flipped over my shoulder, sometimes it felt like I was on a roller coaster that lifted my body and tossed me down a straight drop.  Someone had to be either by my side or within earshot, and I could barely shower or even move.  I went to the ENT and they told me to stop taking the corticosteroid and they gave me meds for the dizziness effects.

It’s a lot better now, but some things still make me dizzy and a little sick for a bit: TV, scrolling motion on my phone, really any videos…stuff like that.  I have more testing coming up next week.

Dizziness is the one sensation I can’t stand – ever since I was 18 and had electroconvulsive therapy and got dizzy and didn’t immediately go under like most people.  I have spent my life trying to avoid a similar sensation.  But I’ve been living with it now for over a week, give or take intensity.

Anyway, dissociation has been happening – but I can feel it starting kind of thing and then I’m in limbo.  I left a message in the system journal to open up communication, but…nothing.  It’s too much going on at once: foot issue, dizziness issue, AND dissociative issues.

When I finally was able to make it to my therapist’s office, I mentioned the dissociation.  For someone who deals mostly with trauma, she seems to get really freaked out.  Almost out of her depth with the DID.  “Well you’re not dissociating recently, right?” is hardly an open-ended question and really makes me feel like there’s an answer I’m supposed to be giving, but I’m honest and tell her what’s going on.

It seems like with DID, you either get a specialist/expert (like that dude I saw for a little over a year) who only focuses on DID and thinks everything has to be about it, or you get a regular therapist who is out of their league with it.

But really, even just mentioning that I felt dissociated sends this woman into veiled panic mode even if it’s nothing dangerous.

So that’s where things are now.  And I’ll keep looking for a response in that journal.



About healandsurvive

27 years old with an Associates Degree in social sciences. Diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, OCD, anxiety. I also have been diagnosed with Vestibular Migraines and my everyday balance has taken a big hit, and I am basically off-balance and some level of dizzy 98% of the time. I enjoy painting, writing, acting, singing, reading, collaging, journaling; basically anything creative.
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