I didn’t realize just how much time had actually passed since my last entry.  I spent 10 days in a place with very spotty service and no reliable Internet connection.  I returned yesterday evening.

I managed to get some sketching and writing done.  Really just for myself.  Maybe it will go into my next poetry book.  It’s about time I get started on finishing that one up.  (I do not receive payment if someone purchases my books.  I feel the need to specify that.  And I think it’s good that I made it that way in the options, because do I feel like they’re worth being paid for?  No.  The site itself gets money from the purchase, but none comes to me.)

Had some moments of panic.  Had some balance issues.  Had one day of fairly persistent dissociation.  Had some good moments.  Saw some relatives.

I had my regular doctor appointment today.  My general practitioner is lovely and knows I have (and have head for at least 7 years) a lot of health anxiety and somatic symptoms, so I usually see her every few months or so to have her check things or tell me what things are, etc.  I am still having issues with feeling as though I can’t breathe, though she does not see a reason other than potentially my back pain and the muscle spasms that occur there.  She does not think we need to do a whole bunch of tests.

It may be stress, it may be muscles, it may be my balance, it may be muscles messed up from how I sleep or how I sit in the car for the long rides i just recently sat through.  It may be a whole combination of things.  Today, in fact, I am almost immobilized by back and neck pain.  Plus we have a storm, so a migraine is coming in.

My sleep has not been great.  It must show, too, because today was the first time my doctor asked how my sleep has been.

The last time I had therapy, I don’t remember that session either.  It’s the second time in a row now.  I know I had apparently been crying.  And I was exhausted.

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Big Brain Dump/Ramble

It’s a long one that was written hastily late last night.

Continue reading

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Last week was busy and hectic, so I’m glad it’s over.  So here’s the boring update:

To my surprise, the root canal last Tuesday was fast and easy.  In 2013 the nerves were inflamed and that’s why it hurt so badly.  This time I was mostly numb, and it only took about 30 minutes, I’d estimate.  Only a tiny and brief amount of pain.  The doctor and his assistant are so lovely, and honestly, they’re the only people I would ever trust if I needed another root canal.  Absolutely lovely, kind, and professional people.

Meanwhile, now that I’ve gotten last week done, the empty feeling persists, and I feel like it’s going to follow me everywhere.  For a few years now, everything registers emotionally as a chore and a to-do list.  I get no satisfaction or feeling of completion, etc.

Well, I was convincing myself that I wasn’t feeling the symptoms of depression, but now I’m past PMS and all that, and it’s been weeks now.  I’ll probably write a great deal more about that later.

I’m still trying to wake my brain up, and deal with this knee that’s causing some pain and stiffness.  Ah, just another day.


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My thoughts feel jumbled and like they’re scattering in all different directions.  It’s increasingly difficult to hold onto a thought.

For some reason, my brain is finding it difficult to establish between the present and the past.  Not even traumatic stuff, either.  I have conversations from years ago bouncing around in my head.

It’s almost like viewing a slideshow.  Sometimes when it happens, I wonder if I’m dying and this is the “life flash before your eyes” thing, but super prolonged.

Of course, a lot of this could be “bleed-through” from an alter.  I think one in particular has been close by this week.  I know I wasn’t there for about half of my therapy session yesterday, and I know which one it was.  And it makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Next week is super busy for me, so maybe (hopefully) it will provide an external distraction.

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Happy July to all of you!

Things have been busy since my last entry.

I’ve been in another state, in the house that my parents will retire to years from now.  I will be moving with them then.  So a lot of painting and shipment arrivals were going on, because as of now we’re splitting time between houses.  It’s so calming there.  I wish I didn’t have to come back to VA.

And to kick things off on the right foot, today I saw the dentist because of extreme pain that started a few days ago.  Well, the tooth is dead, so…hello second root canal.

Now, I had a root canal back in 2013.  Being a natural redhead, it takes more anesthetic to numb me than non-redheads.  But six Novocain injections in, and I still wasn’t numb.  I also insisted I remain awake because ever since I had Electroconvulsive Therapy when I was 18, I’ve developed a terrible fear of anything anesthetic.  Because during ECT (and again when I had it at age 22) only once did I ever fall asleep instantly like everyone else seemed to.  It always took me a while to go under (felt like an eternity to me) and I was dizzy and felt like I would fall off the face of the Earth, begging the doctors not to let me fall or die.

So in 2013, I was awake…painfully awake…and painfully not numb.  They tried!  It just…didn’t take.  The root canal was hands down the most painful experience of my life.  It felt like a fishhook was pulling my intestines and my soul out from my tooth.  I didn’t even know I was howling like a wounded animal.  What a blur it turned out to be.  My brain has tried to repress it, believe me.  My mother was in the room with me and had to hold me down/keep my legs still.  When it was finished, I could barely move, the fight or flight and the pain itself had been so enormous.

So imagine how it will be.  I now have to be extremely careful about any antibiotics in case they are ototoxic – I can’t afford to damage my Vestibular system futher.  And no one has told me to take any, anyway.  No one has told me for sure if I have an infection or abcess.  But the tooth is dead.

I will once again be cowed by my fear of anesthesia, so I will be awake and terrified, even with my PRN.  It will be difficult to lie back in a dentist chair because of the vertigo.

This is going to be a mess.  And it’s going to be expensive.  On the way home from the dentist today, I did cry.  I’ve tried to be so careful with my teeth, even more so after the 2013 root canal.

Oh well, it will be what it will be.

The challenge in the meantime becomes a heatlh-anxiety ridden girl wondering if she’s got an infection or is going to die, trying to maintain sanity until this terrifying appointment.

Fear is a powerful thing.

Well, no use crying about it anymore.  I have to deal with it.  There’s stuff to be done in the meantime.

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“Do any alters also do theatre?”

Therapists seem to like to try to turn every conversation to DID.  That annoys me, but I’m not going to get into that right now.

Yes, I have 2 alters that I know of who are involved in theatre.

One has actually been on stage at times.  She sometimes attends rehearsals (either co-consciously or by herself) and the same goes for practicing lines and blocking at home.  She has been there for performances as well.  It’s almost like having my own understudy.  I vividly remember one time she was “out” for a performance. My role was this very angry, vengeful monologue from a Greek tragedy.  I was somewhere behind her, watching from far away, and after she completed the monologue, I was so upset because I felt like it hadn’t been done the exact same way, so therefore in my mind it was ruined and negated my previous performances of this role.  But actually, no one had seemed to notice a difference in the monologue.  Truthfully, she got every word and movement correct.  It just felt different to me because I wasn’t the one doing it (I know alters are all parts of me, but you know what I mean.).   I don’t remember a lot after coming off stage that night.

The other handles more of the administrative side.  So for instance, when I’m an Assistant Director or when I’m the Director, she will be in the background, making sure emails get sent, making sure all notes are typed and organized and kept in the show binder…basically anything to do with paperwork or written communication or organizing (including making schedules) – she’s there to oversee and enforce.  Kind of like she does for everything else in my life.  But she is not a performer and she stays off the stage.


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And in the blink of an eye, we’re halfway through June!

  • I was selected to direct a musical next fall for the community theatre in which I am involved.  I’m very excited, and this will be my second full show I direct (as opposed to a one act or an hour long play, etc.).
  • I’ve managed to drive distances up to about 10 minutes away without incident.
  • I met up with a friend for dinner and was able to sit without an issue and was able to actually enjoy myself!
  • I had my Neuro-opthalmology appointment yesterday, and the doctor feels that I’ve made enough progress to only need to see him in 12 months instead of the usual 6!
  • Today, for the first time since April 2nd 2017, I locked my bedroom door and did not panic about having a vestibular episode with no one being able to get into my room to help me should it occur.
  • Some stuff is in the process of being sent to the house we’ll move into when my parents retire.  My father and brother are on their way to that house to receive the shipment. So the packing of boxes into the truck is happening as I type this.

So…lots going on, and some small victories that have me cautiously hopeful and happy.

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